Interview: Christel Cowdrey Author of How to Fire Your Husband in Easy Steps - A Miraculous Divorce!

Christel, your book title is both intriguing and humorous. What inspired you to choose this particular title?

It was a humorous comment to deflect gossip, with respect for the family and everyone laughed and let it be.

You've mentioned the voice inside you that urged you to step off a "rampaging train." Can you elaborate on when and how you first recognized this voice?

Well, I felt I was standing on ice – slipping right and left -I drew a deep breath and heard the voice asking me to gently step off this train that was set to destabilise everything I held precious.

Many people find it challenging to maintain a positive outlook during the tumultuous process of divorce. What strategies or practices did you employ to keep yourself grounded and focused on the bigger picture?

The biggest healer has been to respond and not react. My children’s need for calm and safety held me firmly. I reminded myself that it was my place to make myself the frame around their picture and not become immersed in self-importance, because whilst it’s so easy and understandable, it needs reigning in until there’s a place of privacy, with a trusted friend.

You emphasize the importance of relinquishing the past in your book. Was there a particular moment or event that helped you truly let go?

It was less ‘relinquishing my past’; I am not sure that is possible for any one of us. It was more of a directive to grasp the present and not blacken every memory, of respecting the joys and the muddles, but leaving them in the past, since we are not going in that direction. Trying to look forward was for me a daily uphill climb, simply staying as balanced and well, with as much courage as I could muster

How did your role as an Accredited Mediator influence your perspective and actions during your divorce process?

As a middle child, I feel mediation came early in my life; I mediated my parents’ divorce at The Royal Courts of Justice which was apparently a first there.

Mediation/ADR training was the toughest training; it demands that the Mediator stays absolutely confined in their own views, which matter not. It is a highly tuned listening skill, where the disputant feels safe to express without judgement. None of us need advice per se, we need permission, room to be free to speak our truth – that way, there is room for the ‘answer’, the reasons, the possible outcomes to be released to resolution to emerge.

"You cannot extinguish a family." Can you delve deeper into this statement and explain how it played out in your personal experience?

There has been disarray in my family which is deeply sad but happens in many families.

In our case, our sons come first. It was frankly devastating enough that their father left and was guided by another path, when their family life had been so balanced and secure. My former husband and I are good and supportive friends. I feel strongly that if one has a family, that should take first place, despite others entering into the mix. I find it deeply disturbing that there are some that move on, failing to accept or see, how they impact their children by their words and actions. Our children remain our greatest privilege, but they are ‘of’ the marriage, not ‘in’ it.

Your book mentions the metaphorical "hand grenades" that affected your marriage. How did writing become a tool for you to process these challenges?

The hand grenades take many forms, they are thrown and have a deliberate and immediate effect but, this is down to the reaction we feel. So many outsiders enter in uninvited. I would expressly advice that one seeks advice from those trusted implicitly, who do not need to become a part of your journey.

The emotional well-being of your twin sons seemed to be a central concern throughout your journey. Can you share how you approached conversations about the divorce with them?

I can confidently say they were utterly astounded by the thought of us parting. We are none of us argumentative people and good listeners; we had fun and long conversations with our boys and a happy household. There may come a time where it is less that the trust is broken, because our marriage vows demand forgiveness of the other, ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ but rather, that one’s efforts may feel diminished, or one sided. When this happens, self-preservation must kick in – the boys knew and understood, that if one leads another path void of this promise, change may become unavoidable.

Forgiveness is a strong theme in your narrative. How do you think this book might aid others in their journey to forgive and find peace?

Forgiveness is an extraordinary gift to the self. I have tried it and it is the only truly sane way forward, employing self-respect. It is not an easy option because disbelief keeps on tapping on our shoulder, but that is Grief. One can survive, one must have self-belief. It is tough but worth soldiering on.

‘Unforgiveness, resentment, is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies’ Nelson Mandela. Unforgiveness leads to disease.

You describe the end of your marriage as both a mission and a triumph. What do you believe was your most significant accomplishment during this time?

The Mission: To preserve the family relationships for my boys with their father.

The Triumph: The respect, concern and worth we have all learned from this Mission.

We have no right to script our children without consideration of the impact of the power we parents wield over the young, as they mature and conduct their own relationships.

The Triumph is the joy we both feel at that the empathetic kindness and considerations they express for those around them and, the strong men and honourable men they have become.

After 7 years of procrastination, what was the catalyst that finally propelled you to complete your book?

Lockdown had its good bits, not least the time for reflection.

I had been concerned that I would hurt those I loved, even the one I had promised to love forever, despite the outcome and, the external family that had been mine.

I wanted to create a path for those reading that would perhaps shine a little light – a chink in their armour and empower them.

I felt that if I could have a positive life after the muddied waters, to a flowing stream of clarity, without the burden of carrying bitterness and blame, then anyone could also, confidently, give it a try.

How do you hope this book will influence the wider narrative and perceptions about divorce in society?

We live in a world where we lean on our own understanding and do not employ Faith that is ours to grasp, but rather think we are standing alone through much of the journey.

With the shifts in family and cultural dynamics, I see many young who feel left out and even lonely from a very young age. It is us, the adults that forget how vulnerable we were once, how being young, demands the role of parent to take their precious role more seriously, in a supportive, not a dictatorial way.

I hope that parents accept their responsibilities differently. No child should be made to feel autonomous in a world that they know little about, but rather, lean on the kind and mature and loving adults in their midst.

There are too many minors, all the way into adulthood who feel the abandonment of their childhoods where divorce, step parents, new half siblings shift the status quo.

It is easier to care for and love a young person than to mend a broken adult.

Your journey was imbued with many emotions. Which part of your story was the hardest to put down on paper?

The realisation of Generational impact; the worthless and hopelessness that comes from not taking responsibility for our lives. My mother and father’s heartache, the sickness imbued in them. Realising the unconscious paths that led them to their outcome.
For me, when I read it, I still weep at the memory of often holding my Mamma, as I did my babies. She was a remarkable human being, but unable to relinquish the lack of self-worth she felt from childhood, beneath her sister in the hierarchy and, the impact of my father’s affairs, substantiating that feeling.
My father’s lack of self-esteem that meant women were hard to resist, because he married so young and never felt he matched his father’s ideal as the eldest son and that somehow, because of her poor self-worth, infidelity was expected of him by my mother.
Finally, my own esteem; the shock, I realised when writing that I’d permitted to last so long in me, before I let go of the fact that I was simply no longer loved enough, for my former husband to stop and realise what he was relinquishing. To face that my decision to divorce was justified, since alone, I couldn’t change the outcome before I could move forward.

Looking back at your younger self, witnessing the aftermath of your parents' divorce, what advice or words of comfort would you offer her now?

I think to accept the Empath in me was the reason for much of my disappointment; to say No and respecting that strength. That being an empath, finding a mitigating circumstance for everyone else’s behaviour, was hopeless without first being an empath toward myself. The term ‘People Pleasers’ is often mistaken as a weakness when actually, it takes an intuit to understand others, to consider them before ourselves. It is a patronising term and yet without People Pleasers, we would have few caring, uplifting and comforting others.

Being an Empath, a Sensitive, is a gift in a person and should never be diminished, in my humble opinion.

Christel, your story concludes with harmony, gratitude, and understanding. What message or piece of advice do you have for individuals currently navigating their own divorces?

I would always urge good communication; I would urge privacy between the couple, to enhance trust, not seeking others to intervene, unless one is incapable of calm disposition.

I would not allow for the children to overhear and find a separate space to talk.

I would seek counsel if there were too much emotion on the part of one of the couple.

The key is to seek to remain civil.

A period of separation for space to reflect is also good – it worked for me and gave me headspace. I was in another country for 7 weeks and asked, for that time away for reflection, to be considered by others.

I would urge to step away from games and intervention by others at all costs – after all, Vows were given; there is a Contract; there is a home to divide – this is fundamentally life changing and needs complete respect and attention.

If there is violence , metaphorical or real, I would urge immediate release but this is common sense and a given.

You can purchase Christel Cowdrey's How to Fire Your Husband in Easy Steps - A Miraculous Divorce! Waterstones | Amazon | Cranthorpe Millner